The First Seder - Not Traditional

Ira was preparing for their first Passover Seder for Jacob, Aaron, Michael and himself. There were lots of first as to why this night was different than all other nights. It was Aaron's first Seder. The first time all four were together for a meal in Ira and Michael's home, The first family meal prepared since Ira began his new eating plan and did not want to subject his family to anything but a great evening with great food.

Michael could sense the tension, "It's gonna be great!" "How can I make a Passover meal without matzo meal?" "You'll find a way," as Michael rubbed Ira's head.

Four hours later, the doorbell rang. Michael ushered in Jacob and Aaron. "Something smells wonderful," Jacob announced. "Don't expect too much," Ira replied. The three just looked at each other until Michael smiled, "He just wanted the dinner to be perfect." "He inherited that from his mother," Jacob smiled.

Ira had a beautiful Seder Plate with horseradish (bitter herbs), symbolizing the bitterness and harshness of the slavery which the Jews endured in Egypt. Charoset (apples, honey and nuts) representing the mortar used by the Jewish slaves to build the storehouses of Egypt. Parsley dipped in salt water, mirrors the pain felt by the Jewish slaves in Egypt, who could only eat simple foods. A chicken wing bone representing the Passover sacrifice. A hard boiled egg a symbol of mourning of the first sacrifice in Egypt.

Everyone sat down and Ira poured the Mogan David wine. Next to the Seder Plate was a stack of matzo and one piece of manna bread for Ira. Ira handed out 3 kippahs (scull caps) put one his on his head and the others followed. He then gave the blessing over the wine and everyone drank. He grabbed the matzo plate, took his manna bread and instructed everyone to take a piece of matzo. After the blessing, everyone took a bite. "Do you have any extra Charoset?" Jacob asked, I like that on my matzo. Ira was prepared and brought a big bowl.

Aaron asked "What is so special about Passover" Before Jacob could answer, Ira said, "When Pharaoh sentenced the first born of Israel to be sacrificed, God sent death to the first born of Egypt. The Jews put lambs blood on the doors of each home so that death would 'pass over' the first born of Israel. After this plague, Pharaoh released the Jews from bondage." Jacob looked at his son as if for the first time, he could not have been prouder.

The rest of the meal was good, but paled in comparison to the question and answer between father and son.

Did Someone say WERK!?!

Without an education, Aaron's search for the perfect job is somewhat limited. Working for a gardener, busing tables at a pizza parlor, serving fast food at a hamburger joint, parking cars all proved to be disappointments. Finally a games arcade peaked his interest. Aaron was fascinated with video machines. But a career required an education and he hadn't even graduated high school.

He decided to talk to Ira about his offer. Ira was thrilled, and extremely supportive. Both he and Michael helped him prepare for his GED test. Aaron sometimes felt he was with Professor Higgins and Colonel Pickering, but when he passed his test, it was all worth it.

After exploring various local colleges and universities, Aaron chose The Art Institute in Los Angeles for Video Gaming Design and Programming. Aaron was accepted for Mid Term (with a little help from Ira and Michael). Aaron felt pride and excitement for the first time. He valued the opportunity Ira and Michael made possible.

The Mother, the Son, and the Ghosts

It was hard for Ira Stone to believe that Aaron Lane was his son after his ex-wife Phyllis told him she had relations with his father. After all, Aaron had Jacob's Mezuzah. It was almost impossible to reconcile with Jacob, there had been a lifetime of hurt and disappointment on both sides, but Ira needed some closure. How ever it went, Ira had managed to rebuild his life after his stroke, and nothing could invalidate that.

Jacob came over one day, not expecting ghosts from the past to rise again, but they did. In a volatile exchange with Ira, this father and son reached an understanding. It would take a lot of work, but for the first time everything was on the table and it wasn't hidden behind irreconcilable expectations.

Ira came to accept that Aaron was his son. A bit of research on Nexus Lexis gave him insight as to how broken he really was. Phyllis's years of drug and alcohol abuse, violent relationships, felonies, suicide attempts, etc. There was no question that Aaron learned his behavior from example.

Aaron's counselor arranged a group session for Ira, Michael, Jacob and Aaron. It was important to begin healing everyone's wounds. The ghosts needed to be buried in order for a healthy multi-generational reconciliation to begin. Everyone would be responsible for building trust if this family was to begin functioning. To start, Ira offered Aaron the opportunity to continue his education. Ira recognized that this might have been a bit premature for Aaron, and allowed him to be the architect of his own life, supporting him in any way he could. And that is the greatest gift any father can give his son.

Fathers and Sons?!?

The California Supreme Court's Proposition 8 Decision created another subclass of the Gay and Lesbian Community. Those that were married during the prior year's window before Proposition 8 passed would continue to be married, however, no new same sex marriages could be performed. This was bitter/sweet for Ira and Michael. They were still legally married, but their friends who wanted to get married could not.

Jacob lost any tolerance he had for Ira and Michael once the California Supreme Court announced it's decision. There was very little communication until Rebecca's One Year Dedication. Jacob was furious that Michael came to the Cemetery. Ira had lost all hope that he and his father would ever reconcile their differences.

The trip home was silent. Michael tried to soften the days events but Ira was just so tired of never feeling good enough. Once home they were greeted by a stranger. That stranger turned out to be Aaron Lane, Phyllis Lane's son. Apparently while Ira and Michael began their life together after the divorce, Phyllis' life spiraled into drug and alcohol abuse. Aaron was born after his father moved away.

The combination of Aaron's anger and rage along with the disillusion of Ira's remaining relationship with his own father and two volatile meetings caused Ira to have a stroke. As always, Michael was there to support the love of his life in any way he could.

Lost and Found and Lost Again.

What a validation to hear "By the power vested in me by the State of California I pronounce you legally married." Ira and Michael went to the Beverly Hills Courthouse and exchanged their vows in front of a few friends followed by an open house where nearly 100 well wishers gave their support. It was no surprise that although he was invited, Jacob never showed. He did mail, email and left voice messages regarding the campaign for Proposition 8 following the wedding.

In October, Ira had his last visit with his Mom. Her eyes were closed and she looked so peaceful. He held her hand, kissed it, and told her it was okay to let go. "Nothing Bad is going to happen, I promise" he told her. She died the next day.

The funeral was beautiful, as was Rebecca's life. The Rabbi was able to capture her essence and even read an essay that she had written about love before her stroke. Jacob had asked Ira to give the eulogy and was touched by his description of his Mother's life. He even credited his Father for the years of tireless caregiving and devotion he gave his wife.

Within a few weeks after the funeral, Ira's and Jacob's relationship returned to normal. In fact, when Proposition 8 passed, there was no none was more delighted than Jacob Stone. He reveled in the thought that all 18,000 same sex marriages that were performed in months prior, were in threat of being valid.

Home Sweet Home ... NOT!

Those famous words "We always talk about remodeling the house, let's just do-it!" are not easy words to process. Michael left Ira in charge, being the creative one in the house. There were probably at least 100 drawings, color charts, building material catalogs and samples and finally when Ira was ready to pull the last few hairs out of his head, Michael said, "I like it!"

Preparing plans and filing for permits was the next stage. Naturally, the Department of Building and Safety like Father 'knows best!" Two months of engineering consultants, compromise, alterations and compliance and finally the plans were approved. There was only going to be one wall left standing, the North wall. Everything was new: plumbing, heating/air conditioning, electrical, gas, windows/doors, roof, kitchens/baths, garage, guesthouse, landscaping, and more.

A neighbor had suggested their general contractor who ended up being hired for the year long project. Ira and Michael would often say "A woman could never live through this mess!" That plus no privacy was almost impossible. One early Saturday morning, debris fell on the happy couple while sleeping. They both opened their eyes at the same moment, only to discover the roof was gone and one of the workman was waving hello. At this point, Ira moved his home office to a little space a mile away.

It was hardly worth it to take a shower. Both Ira and Michael would have to walk outside and go into the guesthouse bathroom (the only working bathroom). Walk through dirt and dust (or mud if it had been raining) and get dress looking worse than before the shower. Sheana didn't have it easy either. Her whole world was turned upside down.

But at the end, it was totally worth it. It was more than was expected. A great place for friends and family. The house could even accommodate 10 people for overnight including Ira and Michael. It was a great place to entertain and the guys had many opportunities to do so.

We're Parents!

On his way to a client meeting, Ira noticed a little brown and white puppy walking on the side of the street. He pulled over to see if it had tags, but on approach, the puppy scurried off.

Later that day, the same puppy was sitting with Michael and a bowl of water, "Looks like we have a house guest," Ira smiled. "Did it have any tags?" "None." "We should put up some posters and call the shelter to see if he's lost." "You mean if 'she' is lost."

Over the next two weeks, no one claimed her, so Ira named her Sheana. It wasn't long before their whole world revolved around their four legged daughter.

On several visits to see Rebecca, the guys brought Sheana who loved to give kisses to her Grandmother. The visits were great and always the high point of their Mom's day. She would gently pet her visitor laying next to for hours. Sheana was content to relax with Rebecca for as long as the visit lasted. It was great therapy for everyone, real quality of life.

When Ira was planting a new Hibiscus in the back yard, Sheana was underfoot, So she was placed in the dog run till the project was completed. Later that day when Ira wanted to show Michael his afternoon project, all that was left was a short stalk and two leaves. Ira turned to face Sheana who was actually smiling, she was so pleased with herself for protecting her family from the evil plant. All anyone could do was laugh out loud.

Their life would never be the same.

Gay Divorce?

Ira and Michael read a Domestic Partner Notification together.

"Effective January 1, 2005, California's law related to the rights and responsibilities of registered domestic partners will change. With this new legislation, for purposes of California law, domestic partners will have a great many new rights and responsibilities, including laws governing community property, those governing property transfer, those regarding duties of mutual financial support and mutual responsibilities for certain debts to third parties, and many others. The way domestic partnerships are terminated is also changing. After January 1, 2005, under certain circumstances, it will be necessary to participate in a dissolution proceeding the court to end a domestic partnership."

They looked at each other and said "Gay Divorce?" They couldn't believe this with the Federal Marriage Protection Amendment being introduced by 22 Republican co-sponsors. This would take Clinton's "Defense of Marriage Act" in 1996 to a whole new level. It's hard to imagine being happy, sad, surprised, angry and amused all at the same time, but that was exactly how same sex couples who wanted to be married, felt.

Ira and Michael both knew that the fight for Civil Rights was a combination of revolution and evolution. Changes take time. When they look back over their years together, they were both thankful for how far they had both come as individuals, as a couple, and as a community. One day they would be able to be married and not have to think about where they lived might effect their status as a couple.

Aphasia with Dementia - Looks like Altzheimer's Disease to Me.

Ira and Michael were having breakfast and reading the LA Times.

June 5 – Ronald Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, dies at his home in Bel-Air, California at the age of 93.

All Ira could do is think about his Mom. Her bad days were beginning to outnumber her good ones. There were times that she would not even recognize Ira unless Michael was at his side. The doctors said that Aphasia with Dementia were very similar to Altzheimer's Disease.

Ira and Michael walked onto the home that Saturday. Rebecca was in her bed with an oxygen mask. Jacob was holding her hand. As soon as Michael saw Jacob he said "I'll wait for you in the lobby," as he immediately left.

"How is she?" "Not good. I'll leave you with her for a while, we can talk later." Ira walked over and held his Mother's hand. Her eyes didn't open at all during the visit.

Jacob was waiting for him in the hall. "I should probably start making plans, just in case." "What ever you decide will be fine Dad," and Ira started walking away. Jacob reached out., "This isn't easy for me you know." "I know." and Ira walked away.

On the way home Michael asked about the visit. Ira explained in a very detached way. "I just can't buy into his drama anymore. No matter what I say it's gonna be wrong so I choose to say nothing. It's better that way." And that was that!

Later that evening the phone rang and neither Ira nor Michael picked it up. They knew it was Jacob, although, he did not leave a message.

20 Years and Counting.

At a large table in private area at Cafe Bijou, 20 people celebrated Ira and Michael's 20th Anniversary. The wine glasses were filled and clanking. The food was delicious and abundant. The toasts ranged from inspiring to knee slapping.

Michael stood up with his glass raised. "I have loved, fought, laughed, and cried with this man. He is the love of my life." Ira just sat there smiling with tears rolling down his face. It was rare for Michael to verbalize his feelings in private, let alone in front of 18 friends.

When they got home, they snuggled lovingly while Barbra Streisand's "People" played on the CD player.

The phone rang and Michael picked up it up. "Hi Robyn, hows everyone?" The was some silence followed by "I am so sorry ... When is the funeral?" Ira watched nervously. At the end of the phone call, "David was killed in Iraq, the body will be in Chicago at the end of the week for the funeral." "Oh my God! I will book our flights in the morning."

It was impossible to think about their 20 years together when Michael's sister Robyn lost her husband after only 8 years. Michael just sobbed as Ira held him strongly.

Michael held on to his sister and her 7 year old daughter Samantha. It was a military funeral and the American Flag was draped over David's coffin. At the end of the service, Robin was handed the folded flag. Tears ran down her face as her expression remained stoic. All David's parents could do is hold each other, for there is no greater loss than one of a child, no matter at what age.

A Little Piece of Paper!

"I know it's only a little piece of paper, but I feel like our relationship has been validated," Ira told Michael. "I want to show Mom when we visit tomorrow." "I'm not sure she will understand., Michael offered. "Doesn't matter."

The next day on their visit, Ira pulled the document out of the envelope and held it in front of Rebecca. "We're married Mom," Ira said softly. She smiled and grabbed both Ira's and Michael's hands. "Finally!" she said with a big grin.

Of course at that precise moment, Jacob entered the room. Before Ira could put the document in the envelope, Jacob grabbed it. "What's this? ... The two of you are disgusting." Rebecca looked down and began to cry. "Way to go Dad, eight words and you took the smile off her face and replaced it with tears."

Jacob turned around and left the room. "Don't worry Mom, he just got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." Her smile did not return the rest of the visit no matter how hard Ira and Michael tried.

When they got home their was a long message on the answering machine. Jacob left instructions regarding their visits being limited to Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. "He is such a pain in the ass!" Ira sighed. "Why don't you call him and tell him his behavior is unacceptable." "I just don't want to fight anymore, it's just easier to limit our visits." "He doesn't have the right to do that." "Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?" as Ira went into his home office. Michael just shook his head. He was just so tire of Jacob's tantrums.

A week later, Ira was looking for their domestic partnership and asked Michael if he had seen it. Michael just smiled and pointed to the wall. He had framed it and hung it on the wall. "I love you too!" Ira smiled.

The Sky is Falling.

The phone rang at 6:45 a.m. Ira picked up the phone "Chris, what's wrong?" "Turn on your TV!" Ira grabbed the remote and could not believe his eyes. Was this a movie, or...? The World Trade Center towers were burning and the voiceover announced the attack.

Many of Ira's and Michael's friends and family that lived in New York were suffering from Post Dramatic Stress Syndrome for more than 2,800 people died including nearly company staff. firefighters, paramedics, NYPD officers, Port Authority police officers, and others.

Ira and Michael flew in to NYC in November and stayed with friends Chris and Tim. From their living room window, he rubble where the WTC once stood, predominated the view. How could they not be depressed with the constant reminder of friends and family lost memorialized in their window pane.

There was a totally different energy walking on the streets than six months prior during their last visit. "I don't know what I was expecting..." Ira said softly to Michael. "... I can't even imagine how it would feel to wake up to this every morning and be the last thing you see every night. I am so overwhelmed." "Me too."

Chris and Tim were invited to LA to get a break from all of the sorrow, but they declined, "Our family and friends need us right now, maybe in a few months.

Once home, Ira and Michael were greeted with their own sorrow. Rebecca had developed several infections at the home and Hospice was fighting with all kinds of medicine and salves. On a visit or two, they arrived at the same time as Jacob, and although there was tension in the air, everyone was on their best behavior in order to avoid confrontation.

After a couple of Months, she was much better and able to get out of bed to go to the dinning room. Anything that would add some quality of life was a good thing, Ira thought.