Don't Make Me Do it Again!

Ira was a good student, however, his achilles heel was gymnastics. He was able to muddle through sit-ups, push-ups and maybe even a pull-up or 2, but the test of his strength and endurance with the rings, horse, rope climbing, balance beam, etc., were extremely difficult.

At the end of his Junior year at Niles North, Ira had to pass rope climbing, just to take home a D- grade. He felt hopeless, how was he going to manage to pass gym.

On the day of the test, Ira arrived dressed in the gymnasium about a half hour early. All he could do is stare at the rope that was hanging from the beams above. He shook his head, not sure whether to stay or leave. As he turned back towards the boys locker room, Ira was met by Rick Zin, a super athlete who was as nice as he was talented. "You got to climb that today to pass?" he asked. Ira looked down at the floor and just nodded. Rick continued, "How 'bout I get the ladder, when Coach comes in you can reach up one arm and you're done." Ira smiled with relief .

That's how it went down. Rick grabbed the ladder from the equipment closet, Ira climbed to the top and secured the rope around his right leg and left hand. The ladder was returned and out of site by the time Coach Bauer came in. With a loud grunt, Ira reached up and grabbed the top of the rope. "Good job Stone," Coach shouted. 'Did I pass? I don't have to do it again do I?" Ira responded and smiled when he heard, "You Passed!"

Neither Rick nor Ira ever mentioned it again and only saw each other in common classes, but Ira never forgot his kindness.

Mud Bath

Ira was very self conscious about his body. In addition to being overweight, he was much less developed than the other boys his age. Undressing in front of the other Sophomores was torture, and taking a shower in front of them was a fate worse than death.

The Friday before Halloween, tricks at Niles North were flying faster than a Boeing 727. The nerds were wearing "Kick Me" signs on their backs, the brainiac's books were missing in action, and the fat kids were gathered like livestock, covered in mud.

The day was almost over. Ira though he might complete the day without incident. However, after Coach Cress's class, Ira waited until the last athlete left the locker room. He checked every corner to make sure everyone was gone and he had privacy. Once assured of safety, he took off his gym clothes and quickly ran into the showers. He went to the back corner for extra caution.

Ira did not hear the entire class including Coach Cress come into the shower. When he was finished he turned around and had 15 buckets of mud thrown on him. His feet started sliding and lost his balance. Once on the shower floor, it was nearly impossible to stand up. Ira was completely covered and held back the tears as everyone yelled "sewwiee" and "oink oink."

When the coach and jocks had finished their torture, Ira showered all the mud off, got dressed quickly and rode his Schwinn home.

Ira never told his Dad about his mud bath, but showered at home after school from that day forward. Some years later when a friend had joined a commune, he laughed to himself, "ix-nay on public showers!"

Donkey Basketball

Coach Wright convinced Ira to play Donkey Basketball for Niles North against Evanston. Ira knew what basketball was, but this sounded pretty hinky to him. Coach explained that the sport was invented during the 1930s and remained a popular sport in the Midwest. The two four-player teams have to shoot hoops while riding on the donkeys.

Ira thought that would be fun cause everyone would be clumsy on a donkey, kinda leveling the playing field. When his Dad got home from work that night, Ira told him he signed up to play Donkey Basketball. "They are all going to laugh at you," he said, squelching Ira's enthusiasm. Rebecca chimed in with "your son is going to be playing sports." Jacob just shook his head, walked over to his chair and started reading his newspaper.

On the day of the game, Ira woke up excited. He was in a great mood all day, despite what his father thought. Once on the court, the animals were just laying down. Ira ran out to his donkey and with a flying leap he landed on the animal's back. The donkey was crushed with his weight and snorted. It stood up and ran towards the bleachers, making a quick u-turn. Ira fell off and the entire audience started laughing.

"I told you they were all going to laugh at him," Jacob said to Rebecca. He stood up and continued with "I've seen enough! I'll wait in the car." Ira and his pride were so hurt, he never took a shot.

No one spoke in the Stone's car on the way home and it was never discussed again. Many years later, PETA had denounced donkey basketball as animal cruelty. But to Ira, it would always be an old sports injury that mainly hurt his pride.

A Rite of Passage!

Jacob and Ira, were tossing a football back and forth while Rebecca prepares the picnic table. Ira was awkward and clumsy, fumbling with the ball with the ball almost always hitting the ground.

Ira's Dad was much to upset about this and said "He acts like a sissy. His Bar Mitzvah is 2 months away, and he can't even catch a lob pass. It's embarrassing." He was speaking to Rebecca as if Ira wasn't around and could not hear the jibes.

Ira was stunned by his father's words. He stares up at Jacob in disbelief and hurt.

Jacob walks towards Ira and added insult to injury with "Stop acting like a girl, you are a disappointment to me." After he dropped the bomb, he turns to walk towards Young Rebecca.

Ira rises to his feet and prepares the football in his hand. He hurls it at back of his father's head ... BAM! Jacob turns towards his son, shocked and amazed at the force of the ball. Ira walks slowly and angrily to the picnic table. Jacob looks toward Rebecca in amazement. Rebecca smiles, "You asked for it. One things sure, the apple didn't fall far from the tree!"

Two months later, when Ira read his Haftorah at his Bar Mitzvah, Jacob kvelled with nachis. He couldn't have been more proud.

Later in life, Ira's Bar Mitzvah was one of his happiest memories of childhood.

Any Excuse to Get Out of School!

Rebecca got a call from the school nurse, Ira had a 104 degree temperature and was doubled over in pain. She rushed to the school and picked up her son. Within minutes, Ira was in the emergency room at Lutheran General Hospital.

While waiting she called Jacob. He rushed out of his office and raced to the hospital. When he arrived, he found Rebecca crying in the waiting room. "What is it?" he lovingly asked. "Ira's appendix burst. The doctor said that because he is overweight it's very serious. He is already in Surgery," she cried. Jacob cried too. He held his wife tightly as they both sobbed. "We should go to the surgical waiting room," he suggested. They walked over, holding each other in silence.

It seemed forever before the surgeon came to talk to the Stones about their son. "He's ok, we got to him before the poison could spread. He has a drainage tube which will come out in about a week. He should probably rest a week at home before going back to school," Doctor Goldfarb explained.

Suddenly with the fear of the unknown over, Jacob started to laugh, "Ira will use any excuse to get out of school." After Rebecca hit her husband in the arm, she smiled and giggled too.

Ira had lost 18 pounds in those two weeks. When he went back to school, he looked as though he had been on vacation, well rested and svelte!

The Truth Hurts!

From June 5 to 10, 1967, the Stone's were glued to their television set as most Jewish families. It was the Six Day War between the Israel army and the armies of neighboring states of Egypt, Jordan and Syria. The Arab states of Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Tunisia, Morocco and Algeria also contributed troops and arms. At the war's end, Israel had gained control of the Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza Strip, the West Bank , East Jerusalem, and Golan Heights.

Ira did not understand exactly what was going on, but it was clear, even to him that the Jews were being attacked from all sides. Jacob would explain to him that because their family was Jewish, they had dual citizenship, the USA and Israel and that "our people" would win the war.

At the end of his second year of Hebrew School, Mr. Sokolov brought in a newspaper from Israel and translated the article about Israel's victory into english so the class would understand and could discuss it.

When Ira got home, he told his Dad that he wanted to fight in the Israeli army. Jacob started to laugh and explained that even if Ira was old enough, he would just be in the way. Ira was crushed and left the living room mumbling, "you'll see!"

Rebecca had overheard the conversation from the kitchen and let Jacob know that he should not underestimate their son. "No sense in telling the boy lies" he answered, "he'll never be a soldier in any man's army."

Jacob was right, when Ira was 18 years old and went for his Physical for the Viet Nam War, he was classified 4-F and never served.

Sex Education, Family Style!

Rebecca felt relieved that Ira never questioned them about sex. She was not sure whether to stick with the stork or move to the birds and bees. Jacob had learned on the streets of Chicago's old West side If that was good enough for him, it was good enough for his son.

But Ira's wise cousin Kenny (a whole nine months his elder), decided there was no time to waste, it was time for his cousin to learn the facts about SEX!

While all Ira's aunts, uncles and grand parents were chatting after a delicious Thanksgiving meal, Kenny explained to Ira that babies come after a man inserts his penis into a women's vagina. If that wasn't traumatic enough, and to Ira's horror, vaginas have teeth and is sex is not done properly, the man's penis is cut off.

Until November 24, 1966, Ira never asked his parents about sex. He waited until this moment, in front of all his relatives. Jacob and Rebecca were in shock, they didn't know how to respond to their son. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Jacob said, "Tomorrow I will answer all your questions about sex." But Ira never asked again.

After a failed marriage and Ira's coming out as a Gay man, Jacob always wondered if he should have taken his son right then and there in his room and explain the facts of life. But Ira learned the same way his father did, except it was on the streets of New Town, a Gay neighborhood in Chicago. Viva la difference!

Spit Out the Chew!

Jacob wanted his son to be Bar Mitzvahed which was not going to be possible in Alsip, Illinois where there wasn't a Synagog and only two Jewish families. So in the summer of 1965, the Stones moved to Skokie Illinois. A village with five Jewish Temples and over 40,000 Jewish families.

Ira missed his friends in Alsip. He also knew that there were not going to be any Christmas Trees in his neighborhood, but he just had to tough it out!

September 9, 1965 was the first day Jane Stenson School. Ira's teacher's name was Miss Lynd. She was the tallest and toughest fourth grade teacher in the school, but Ira really liked her. There were no paper airplanes or spit-balls flying in her class!

The school was only three blocks from home, but Ira rode his Schwinn Stingray to and from. His Dad gave it to him as reward for not making a big deal about the move to Skokie.

September 9th was also the first day of Hebrew School. So as soon as he got home, his Mom drove him to Congregation Bnai Emmunah. On the drive over, he popped a full wad of Bazooka Bubble Gum in his mouth, chewing and blowing bubbles like it was the last day on Earth.

Ira wasn't in the classroom for five minutes when Mr. Rosen walked up to him, held his hand in front of his mouth and in a heavy accent said, "spit out the chew!" Ira did as he was told, and to his shock, the Hebrew school teacher put the gum on the tip of his nose. Ira wore the badge of honor until the end of class, enduring 2 hours of giggles and snickers.

After that day, Ira learned to swallow his gum if he was ever caught chewing.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Rebecca tuned into the Ed Sullivan Show every Sunday night after dinner. But on February 9, 1964, at 8 p.m - rock music history was made when the Beatles made their first appearance. Ira's eyes were glued to small black & white television set in the living room. Jacob fell asleep in his chair after a wonderful roast beef dinner.

During their appearance, the Beatles sang five songs: All My Loving, Till There Was You, She Loves You, I Saw Her Standing There, and I Want To Hold Your Hand. Ira was dancing, shaking his hands up and down to the beat. At the end of the show, he asked his Mom if she could cut his hair like John Lennon. Rebecca smiled and said, "not even if it was your birthday would I cut your hair like that!"

But it was time to take action! Mom just did not understand how important it was to look like John Lennon, so, Ira had a plan "B". He quietly went to the kitchen and grabbed his cereal bowl from the cabinet. Ira stuffed the bowl in his shirt. Then he went into his Dad's office and took a pair of scissors out of the drawer.

In the bathroom with the door locked, Ira placed the bowl on the top of his head. He began cutting all the hair that stuck out of the bowl. Unfortunately, Ira did not look like John Lennon, in fact, he looked like he put his hair in a meat grinder.

After a while, Rebecca asked Ira to come out of the bathroom, but he was afraid to open the door. Minutes later, Jacob told Ira to come out. Hesitantly, he opened the bathroom door. "What did you do to yourself," Ira's Dad Barked. He looked down at the floor and asked his Mom is she could fix it, but his Dad said, "No!"

Ira did not want to go to school the next day, but his Father insisted. After the worst day of his young life, Rebecca took her son to the barber shop - the crew cut looked just fine.

After Ira lost his hair, he was glad that he didn't have to worry about it any more.

Big Boys Don't Cry!

On November 22, 1963, the principal entered Miss. Dinkell's second grade classroom. He instructed her to turn on the classroom television. All of the students at Stoney Creek Elementary School watched the announcement that President Kennedy had been assassinated.

Ira and all of the girls started crying at the news. All of the other boys threw paper airplanes or blew spit-balls through their straws. The airplanes flew all over the room, but most of their spit-balls hit Ira.

Rebecca Stone came to the school to pick up her son who by that time was crying uncontrollably. She put her arm around him and guided him home.

When Jacob got home after work, the black and white television was turned on immediately. Ira came in from his bedroom and immediately started crying. "What are you crying about now?" Jacob barked. Rebecca came in the room and flashed Jacob a look and he turned around and did not say another word until bedtime.

This was one of the few times that Ira barely touched his dinner. He asked to be excused and both his parents nodded. "Go talk to him Jack," Rebecca urged. With a rolling of the eyes, Jacob got up from the dinner table and went into Ira's bedroom. "Big boys don't cry Son, they just tough it out!" as he turned around and walked out of the room

That was the day that Ira learned to hide his feelings, at least from his Dad.

But We're Jewish!

Being one of the two Jewish families in the neighborhood had it's challenges.

Mrs. Jones baby-sat for Ira while Rebecca and Jacob went to a bowling banquet in 1962. Upon their arrival home, Mrs. Jones announced that Ira was asleep. Rebecca quietly opened his bedroom door just enough to confirm he was in dreamland.

The next evening at bedtime when Rebecca was checking to see if Ira had washed his hands 'n face and brushed his teeth, she witnessed her son on his knees praying to Jesus. She immediately ran to Jacob and both returned to Ira's bedroom. By this time, Ira was already in bed smashing is pillow of optimum comfort.

"Who Taught you to pray to Jesus?" Jacob asked his son. "Mrs. Jones" replied Ira.
There was a lot of yelling between Mommy and Daddy that night.

The next morning, Jacob walked over the the Jones house. Ira was eating his Fruit Loops when the door slammed and Jacob returned. "She's never baby-sitting again" he roared. And that was that! Or was it?

Thanksgiving weekend was a long weekend for first graders. The Jones family had all the kids in the neighborhood, including Ira, decorating their tree. When Ira walked in the door with angel wings and rosy cheeks Jacob and Rebecca just stared. "Why are you dressed like that?" Jacob barked. "Mrs. Jones said I made a good Christmas Fairy" Ira answered and before he could ask why they didn't have a Christmas Tree, Jacob ripped off Ira's wings and dragged him to the sink to wash off his rosy cheeks.

Ira was never allowed in the Jones home again after that day, but as an adult, Ira always decorates his Hanukkah bush on Thanksgiving weekend.

GI Joe's not a doll, it's an Action Figure!

1961 - The first snow had fallen the night before. School was closed so Ira went into the back yard bundled in his snow suit, boots and gloves. While Rebecca was making lunch, he made a snow man almost as tall as he was. Mommy had given him an old scarf, charcoal briquettes for the eyes and mouth, a carrot for the nose and Daddy's old hat. But something was missing - arms! Ira walked over to the new Crabapple Tree that Daddy had just planted in the Spring and broke off 2 branches.

Rebecca called her son in the house and noticed the mangled tree. After lunch she went into the yard with the pruners, and tried to even out the branches so that Jacob wouldn't notice.

Later that same day, gathered in the living-room after dinner, Rebecca asked Ira "What do you want for Hanukkah this Year?" Ira got a big smile and replied "a talking 12 inch GI Joe with real hair, uniform, combat boots, and M1 rifle" (nothing Gay about that :-) a man with uniforms and boots.

Jacob, who had been engrossed in the Chicago Tribune, immediately sets it down on his lap and scolded "My son is not going to play with DOLLs!" Ira's chin practically hit the floor, he was devastated. He tried to explain that Hasbro's GI Joe was not a doll, it's an ACTION FIGURE, but once his father made up his mind, nothing could change it, not even his mother.

On the first night of Hanukkah after lighting the Menorah, Ira opened his first present. Rebecca just covered her face because she didn't want Ira see her laughing. It was an instruction book entitled "Proper Pruning of Fruit Trees."

There were seven other gifts, one for each night, but Ira only remembers the first Hanukkah gift of 1961.